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[04 Apr 2003|12:39pm] |
the ataris cover of the boys of summer - very good. <3
why i posted here? because most of you haven't added my other name to your friends list. that's why I hate you all.
kidding <3 i've just gotta post my new found cd hook up
so now i have
alkaline trio - good mourning
the blood brothers - burn piano island burn
boysetsfire - tomorrow comes today
further seems forever - how to start a fire
the ataris - so long astoria
the ataris - and their ep
OK IM DONE
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| update |
[01 Mar 2003|01:51pm] |
ATTENTION
NEW LIVEJOURNAL this livejournal WILL be friends only.
why? because it just will be. if you read my journal and aren't subscribed to lj ask me for a code and maybe i'll give you one.
my new username is loveme_breakme
so if you're on my friends list add me please. <3
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| loves an excuse to get hurt |
[28 Feb 2003|07:44pm] |
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mood |
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 lonely |
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music |
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bright eyes - i won't ever be happy again. |
] |
I don't feel like I'm really living. I talked to lindsey tonight about some things that just sort of put me in a sad/bad mood.
I want a boyfriend.
akshf how silly does that sound? really silly.
and I'm not in a state of despiration or anything, so It's not me going out and just picking one out of a crowd, because for one, he probably wouldn't like me and for two, that's just not me. and I really dont' wanna start with all the girly bullshit about how I want to be able to fall asleep with someone, so I won't. I just feel really lonely.
oh an
bright eyes is coming to madison may 9th.
I'm getting my ticket tomorrow.
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| thumbs up |
[27 Feb 2003|03:34pm] |
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I'm at my friend josh's house and he's showing me his song he wrote , playing his guitar and singing, it's awesome.
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| asdfghdf |
[27 Feb 2003|10:54am] |
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mood |
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 nostalgic |
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music |
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kids in the classroom |
] |
I miss how it was when we were friends.
=[
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| in spite of you |
[25 Feb 2003|06:35pm] |
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mood |
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sore |
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| [ |
music |
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alkaline trio - hell yes |
] |
so yeah, nothing much recently. My mouth hurts, badly. I'm going to ultrazone this friday. For all of you who don't know it's a laser tag arena. TOO MUCH FUN. I'm getting lazy in livejournal, all my updates suck probably because I have nothing to post about. I miss the way my life was back in... November/December. I text messages sean last night but got nothing back from him, hopefully he'll call tonight. =\
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| let me start by saying thank you |
[23 Feb 2003|07:00pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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aw |
] |
| [ |
music |
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glasseater - medicine |
] |
text messages I recieved from sean the past two days
-how are you feeling?
-awww, wish i could be there 4 u, I'll call tonight <3
-miss you
-thinking of you <3
these are always good to wake up to while sleeping.
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| it's 4 am and I'm not sleeping yeah, my mind keeps running back to you |
[22 Feb 2003|07:13am] |
| [ |
mood |
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swollen |
] |
| [ |
music |
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nothing |
] |
It's 7:13 in the morning and I can't sleep any longer because I slept all yesterday, my left side of my face is really swollen and I look horrible -tear. ha , well I have to go to target with my mom so I'm gonna have to ice myself majorly. Or i'll just wear a sign on my back that says " just got wisdom teeth removed "
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| it's all about friends. |
[21 Feb 2003|05:07pm] |
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mood |
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 happy |
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music |
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nothing, wow I suck |
] |
color me core: Pennwisedom: Ya know, everytime I see you, or see a picture of you, I just can't get it out of my head how beautiful you are
color me core: uh
Mosh Witha Smile: HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!
Mosh Witha Smile: well hes true;-)
Mosh Witha Smile: your so damn cute
Mosh Witha Smile: just say you have a boyfriend
Mosh Witha Smile: and he will kick his ass if you talk more
color me core: awww;ashgdf
color me core: haha thanks
Mosh Witha Smile: tell him im your boyfriend and im so pissed at him already
color me core: Pennwisedom: I guess, its like I just wanna hold you forever
color me core: hahahah
Mosh Witha Smile: OMG!
Mosh Witha Smile: he says that to EVERY girl he sees!
color me core: haha are you serious?
Mosh Witha Smile: YEA
color me core: duh what a guy
color me core: typical guy
Mosh Witha Smile: not me
color me core: well yeah I know that.
Mosh Witha Smile: you better
Mosh Witha Smile: im just to afraid to lol
color me core: haha I think you're getting better.
Mosh Witha Smile: except the first time i met you....
Mosh Witha Smile: maybe
Mosh Witha Smile: naw your the ONLY girl for me
.....
color me core: you should have spin kicked him in the face
Mosh Witha Smile: lol
Mosh Witha Smile: but you know your cute;-)
color me core: lol what?
color me core: what did that have anything to do with it?
Mosh Witha Smile: idk?
Mosh Witha Smile: lol
color me core: haha well thank you
Mosh Witha Smile: i had to say it
Mosh Witha Smile: becuase i do wish you liked me
Mosh Witha Smile: i would make you happy;-)
Mosh Witha Smile: lol
color me core: =\ i just don't have those kind of feelings =\ , I'm sorry. and im not gonna sit here and be like, you're a great guy but I just wanna be your friend eventhough that's true I know you've told me that you hear it alot, and I don't wanna make you feel hopeless or something cause there's gonna be someone out there probably a bunch of girls you like you. i dunno what to say?
Mosh Witha Smile: you dont have to respond to that haha
color me core: haha well it's too late
Mosh Witha Smile: lol
Mosh Witha Smile: your still cute and you alwayse will be to me
color me core: aw thank you
Mosh Witha Smile: just say "ok, i love you too co-diddy"
color me core: lmfaosifhd co diddy
color me core: hahahahahas;jdf
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| My day at the Oral Surgeon |
[21 Feb 2003|03:54pm] |
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mood |
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sore |
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music |
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nothing |
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Wasn't fun at all. It is kind of funny now though that I have a needle mark right under my huge bruise from yesterday. anyways, I recieved nitrous oxide and then the ivy and then I was out, totally, until i woke up in the recovery room, where I began to feel very nauseous and I threw up blood, I know you didn't want to hear that, but that makes me feel hardcore. hahasklfj IM JUST KIDDING. I threw up a few times and then went home and threw up in the car, then I went to sleep for a few hours and now i'm up. I ate icecream and took some ibprofun 600, i also have oxycodone. with codine. I'm not so bad to the point where I need to use it, so I haven't. My mom and shana both brought me home stuffed animals =] and dan is supposed to be stopping over sometime. I feel like going out tonight, i don't really wanna sit at home. I'm so sososososo hungry but I can eat anything warm or hard. and I ate icecream but it just got too cold, I don't know. OH well atleast this is all over with. phew
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| keep falling in this hole filled with nothing. |
[20 Feb 2003|09:47pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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lonely |
] |
| [ |
music |
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the ataris - mix tape |
] |
this is probably a lost cause, writing in my journal, about things that go on. because it never changes anything and it never makes me feel better, in all truth i write in here so people will know, and I always hoped after knowing, they'd try to comfort me maybe? I mean, I'm not saying when I write in here people don't respond but usually they don't and I appreciate the times they do, and no I shouldn't expect anyone to feel bad for me because really I don't have that bad of a life, I don't have a bad life at all, I just get discouraged and frustrated and hopeless sometimes, but doesn't everybody? Yes, the only problem with me is the only way people know is if it's in my journal, I usually don't speak freely with people about my problems unless it includes them, and usually it never helps anyways. I don't know what I'm getting at, i don't know anything at all, ugh
I
just
don't
know
I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know
I don't know where to go from here, what to do, it just feels like emptyness I guess, I big deep black hole of nothing. sounds fun right?
and now tomorrow i get my wisdom teeth out. and I'm still incredibly scared, I'm such a wuss.
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| can someone save us |
[20 Feb 2003|04:57pm] |
why does the non full version update work but not the full version? I don't know, anyways, I busted my shit pretty well today, made a total ass of myself infront of a lot of people. To say the least I tripped over a stadium seat chair in the auditorium and was some sort of entertainment for a bunch of people, in return I came out of it with this. and eventhough it doesn't look that bad, it is.
hott right?
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[19 Feb 2003|05:05pm] |
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mood |
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 loved |
] |
Shana just called me, crying. Well not crying but I knew she wanted to, until I asked her if she was ok and if she wanted a HUGE hug then she laughed a little and then started crying, I told her not to be sad and that I'd give her a big hug when I saw her, and to smile. Instead of spending my time at 4 seasons tonight like I planned, I will go there just to say hi, and then leave so I can spend time with her and try to make her laugh, cause I did a pretty good job of it last time this happened, and I love her for making me feel needed and important, because I know she needs me as her best friend, and I love being her best friend. I don't know what I'd do without her.
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| only hurts when I breathe |
[19 Feb 2003|01:10pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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sad |
] |
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music |
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greenwheel - breathe |
] |
I Played the fool today
And ICan see us vanishing into the crowd
Longing for home again
But home Is a feeling I buried in you
I'm alright
I'm alright
It only hurts when I breathe
And I can't ask for things to be still again
No I can't ask for you
To offer the world through your eyes
Longing for home again
But home Is a feeling I buried in you
I'm alright
I'm alright
It only hurts when I breathe
I'm alright
I'm alright
It only hurts when I breathe
My window through which
Nothing hides
And everything sings
I'm counting the signs
And cursing the miles in between
But home is a feeling I buried in you
That I buried in you
I'm alright
I'm alright
It only hurts when I breathe
I'm alright
I'm alright
It only hurts when I breathe
When I breathe
It only hurts when I breathe
When I breathe
It only hurts when I breathe
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| no aim =\ |
[19 Feb 2003|12:22pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 disappointed |
] |
| [ |
music |
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refused - this pretty face |
] |
My aim officially doesn't work now on this computer at school. this dissapoints me tremendously, but it's not like anyone was on when I was at school, so I suppose it's not all that bad.
when I was in chicago for school this girl told me to listen to her refused cd that she told me i would like, in return i let her borrow my aquabats cd. I thought I had lost her refused cd so I just let her keep my aquabats cd, I eventually found her cd and now I regret letting her keep my cd, because I dislike this cd, so hm anyone want it? I like the instrumental musical aspect of it, but not the voice
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| he says the air tastes so much sweeter since he left me |
[18 Feb 2003|06:58pm] |
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mood |
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contemplative |
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music |
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jason mraz- love is real |
] |
I think this journal entry is just going to be incredibly long, and then again maybe what I need to say is held in very few words, and I wish I knew which because every time I try to explain things I never know what to say, because everything I feel Just doesn't come out easily understood, or something. I could use corney lines like "I can see forever in your eyes" and as much as that statement is true I just can't use it because it's not my own. Why does it feel like I've known you forever? Why is it that everynight I go to bed thinking about you? and maybe this is just "teenage girl who thinks shes head over heals just the like rest" sort of situation, because as much as I'd like to say i've felt like this before, I really can't because I've sort of tried to block the times I have out of my head. anyways. i just made this analogy in my head and you'll all laugh at me about it but it's like, I feel like one of those color by number pictures, I can see everything the way it should be, and almost know what it's going to be like, feel like even, but without the spaces being filled in I really don't know. Not until it/I am complete and I guess I'm starting to think i'd be complete with you. well not starting, I think I pretty much felt like that the first time I saw you. You know love at first sight or something. And maybe not love but... ugh I don't even know. I almost was over this, I was almost there... but it was just like, DUH KELI WHAT ARE YOU DOING? well to tell you the truth I really don't know. You know I really think a book biography about me would be really interesting. but anyways, I can't help but feel this incredibly big desire to want to punch your face in and then kiss you all over. Cause I'm weak like that, and I just give into you always because I can't help it. I've pondered over the idea of things being better without you, AND GOD I'M ONLY 18 WHY AM I WRITING ABOUT THIS, why do I feel this strong at only 18 years old and only after a few months of knowing you. I can't help but want to lay next to you and run my hands all over you, (no this is not perverted) but in a way so I know you're real... Could I live without you? Of course, I've learned I can live without someone that means the world to me, which I thank a certain someone for letting me realize this, and truely I do thank you, not in a sarcastic way but in a heartfelt way. And yes I could live without you, but would I want to? No. If I had it my way I'd be waking up to you every morning. I'm guessing this probably scares you, infact I know it does, and I'm sorry. And I know I'm not the first to want everything from you, and I know I'm not the first that you couldn't give everything too, exactly, why should I be different? Why should you change who you are for me? You shouldn't and I shouldn't expect you to. I mean ha, it would be nice and yes it hurts to think I'm not really ever going to get what I want, because I can't tell you what to do or how to feel about anything. If I could control that psh you know I would. I always wanted to just make everything ok and just make everything go the way I wanted. I know you must have your reasons for everything, reasons that I won't ever understand and probably won't attempt to understand anytime soon. If I could make things easier for you I would, If I could make relationships not so hard for you to deal with I would, because ... I don't know, just because I guess it's what I want, and what I thought you wanted, and no this isn't going to turn into a "it's your fault" post or even email so it sounds like. You know I'm writing this for you to read, someday. I'm sorry things ever got so bad... to the point where you didn't want me having feelings for you and you having feels for me because it just upset you. I'm sorry I expected too much and I'm sorry and dissapointed that I can't change things. I would love to see you extremely happy, I would love to see you extremely happy with me... but even if it's not with me i'd still love to see you happy. I know I complicated a lot of things and I know I brought a lot of drama into your life, and I'm sorry you felt so suffocated that you had to try to push it all away. I guess I'm just so afraid that when I get something good it's going to be taken away from me, and maybe it's just my paranoia that does it. I'd let go of you but i'd never be able to forget your eyes, or the way you laugh. the two most prominant things I remember about you and think about when you're on my mind. And if only I could write a perfect song to make you feel everything I feel, instead it ends up in an essay like post on my journal. And even at the end of this I won't have said everything because it'd take a million more posts to explain everything. And if only I could strong enough to just be your friend. It'd make this so much easier. I always wanted to be strong and I thought I was, until you came into my life, and I was molded into this teenage girl who only wanted you and kind of stayed that way. what is the point of this? this whole shpeil i'm going on? I really don't know after 40 minutes of writing all of this I still dont' know, and even forever from now I won't know. I just want you to be you. and I'm sorry.
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| what's up with M-R-A-Z |
[18 Feb 2003|12:22pm] |
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mood |
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bored |
] |
| [ |
music |
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jason mraz - sleep all day |
] |
Hey love, where you going to?
You're not sleeping anymore, you're just trying to.
Stay love, where you running to?
Awful happens all the time, don't let it kill you.
Easily with me I feel as fast as I can see..
Afraid of the horror stories I fall down on my knees.
Come away, come away
From all these things unheard
If a chosen word has got you cornered
Then it's a lesson learned
Like close the book before it burns you.
Come away, come away
From all these things unseen
At the price you paid I promise you won't believe anything they say
Belief will only disappoint you
In case you never noticed the path you never chose has chosen you.
Afraid to face and break it.
The secret
I haven't listened to Jason Mraz in a long time.
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| angst |
[17 Feb 2003|01:40pm] |
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mood |
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creative |
] |
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| You never had enough time. |
[17 Feb 2003|01:30pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 pissed off |
] |
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music |
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the beautiful mistake - light a match |
] |
I really want to hate you and I would really love to say fuck you to your face cause I think it'd make me feel a million times better, well a fuck you followed by a blow to your face maybe, yeah maybe someday and no this time it won't mean I have a crush on you.
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| kiss me like you wanted to. |
[16 Feb 2003|11:15pm] |
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mood |
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content |
] |
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music |
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the get up kids - central standard time |
] |
Tonight was odd/awesome because I was able to hang out with Ty again, why I ever stopped talking to him and why I blocked his SN on my buddylist I don't know... The only bad part about tonight was finding my way to his house, and back home after I dropped him off. it took me 2 hours to get to his house when it only should have taken me 40 minutes. I got to his house and his driveway is incredibly huge and steep. and it was full of snow, so there wasn't anyway i was gonna try and make it up his driveway. so i sat in the middle and had to reverse all the way back down and then I made him walk to my car =\ we came back to madison and i went to the exclusive company and picked up the beautiful mistake's cd. then we came back to my house, left after 15 minutes and ate at subway, then made our way to cloud city for a show. Man that place is soooooooo small. Ty got some really cool pictures with my camera though. We left at 9 and I got back home at about 10:40, I didn't get a hug tonight which sort of dissapointed me, but Im really really hoping he'll come over sometime this week and just hang out at my house like before. I just miss how it was I guess. so I think i'm content with the outcome of this weekend.
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